Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men....
Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women stomp the out of them until they turn into something acceptable have dinner
with.

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg! You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

Murzynek Bambo w Afryce mieszka
Czarną ma skórę ten nasz koleżka
Czarne ma wszystko tu nikt nie buja
Nawet jak sądzę czarnego chuja
Uczy się pilnie przez całe ranki
Jak dobrze jebać panny kochanki
Aż mama woła Bambo, chłopaku
Ty mój malutki czarny jebaku
Jak że się synu o ciebie nie bać
Ty mi się możesz na śmierć zajebać
Lecz Bambo wcale nie słucha mamy
Ten mały, czarny jebak kochany
A chuj mu sterczy niby rusznica
Nie jedna pod nim jęczy dziewica
Tak przepierdolił wiele dziewczynek
Nasz dzielny Bambo, Bambo Murzynek
Aż w końcu stwierdził to bez zdziwienia
Że brak już panien do pierdolenia
I znów nie słucha Bambo swej mamy
Zabrakło cnotek, poszedł do bramy
Aż pewnej nocy nasze Bambisko
Spotkało Koki, wielkie kurwisko
Które codziennie, bez mała stale
Pizda swędziała i co tam dalej
Lecz tym się Bambo nic nie przejmuje
Sięga pociera, huja wyjmuje
I z miejsca kurwie Koki dorypał
Że aż się z pizdy snop iskier sypał
Już dzień przeminął, jebie noc całą
A Koki woła wciąż mało, mało
Aż po tygodniu murzynek miły
Stwierdził że brak mu po prostu siły
U Koki piersi twarde jak skała
Wary na piździe mocno nabrzmiały
I jest jak posąg wciąż niezwyciężona
A biedny Bambo już prawie kona
Wtem słowa matki znowu zabrzmiały
" Ty się zajebiesz mój Bambo mały "
Lecz nie pomogły matki błagania
Koki zagania wciąż do jebania
Koki nadstawia cięgle pizdzisko
Cofa do tyłu, podstawia blisko
Pręży się, kurczy jak węża ciało
A usta szepczą wciąż mało, mało
Na próżno Bambo murzynek miły
Chce je wykończyć, lecz brak mu siły
Tego też bowiem już nie dokonał
gdyż na piersisku u Koko skonał.

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about getting the best handjob of my life."

The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had the same dream!"

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream!" The other two guys nod their heads in anticipation.

"I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.

"What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
im, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike


replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give
it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A
lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a
small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the
computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
and a
sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction,
and
awaits the results. The computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her
into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your

elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular
table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He
calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to
be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying
this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a
note over to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your
pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back
to her, and it read:

Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850 and a
Mercedes 600 SL in my garage and I have over twenty five million dollars in
the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you think you are, would
I cut three inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK.

This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet
store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, (100-legged bug,) which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again,
there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against
the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"

Scroll down!!!!!
YOU ARE GOING TO THIS.










































A little voice came out of the box - "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

(ok moze spale bo nie jestem dobra w kawaly ha

TESCIOWA mowi do ZIECIA:

-Zieciu ja juz taka stara i schorowana jestem, przydalo by mi sie zalatwic miejsce na cmentatzu,

Ziec zestresowany szuka i szuka i po tygodniu przychodzi
-Juz wszustko gotowe na czwartek jest miejsce!

dobre

Tak to jest z tesciowymi, bucha sie do nich miloscia!

Error in [quote] tags
[quote] donkeytear napisal...
Tak to jest z tesciowymi


Je po prostu trzeba kochac haha!

Jasio sie skarzy Mamie. "Mamo, mamo, dzieci sie ze mnie smieja w szkole ze mam duza glowe" Mama na to: "Nie maz duzej glowy, nie masz duzej glowy synku, ale wez teraz berecik i idz kup 20kg ziemniakow"

kupil sobie facet patelnie, wraca do domu, patrzy a tam sznurka nie ma

Zorganizowano zawody we wbijaniu gwoździa w deskę za pomocą głowy. Do rywalizacji stanęło trzech zawodników: Polak, Rusek i Niemiec. Pierwszy zaczyna Niemiec:
Uderza raz... dwa... trzy... - gwoźdź wbity.
Drugi Polak:
...raz... dwa... - wbity.
Ostatni podchodzi do deski zawodnik radziecki:
Raz... - wbity!
Następuje ogłoszenie wyników:
- Niemiec zajmuje drugie miejsce, Polak pierwsze, natomiast Rosjanin zostaje zdyskwalifikowany za wbicie gwoździa złą stroną

Blądynka podchodzi do kiosku i mówi:
-Proszę bilet za złotówkę.
-Bardzo proszę! mówi sprzedawca.
-Dziękuje, ile płacę?

Byli sobie Jasio i Bartek. Mieli test z historii. Pierwszy wchodzi Jaś.
Pani zadaje mu pytania:
-Jasiu, kiedy rozpętano II wojnę światową?
-W 1939.
-Kto ją rozpętał?
-Adolf Hitler
-Ilu ludzi wtedy zginęło?
-Naukowcy tego nie stwierdzili.
-Dobrze Jasiu, piątka.
Jasio powiedział Bartkowi:
-Na pierwsze pytanie w 1939; na drugie Adolf Hitler; na trzecie naukowcy tego nie stwierdzili.
Bartek dumnie wchodzi:
-Bartku, w którym roku się urodziłeś?
-w 1939
-Kto jest twoim ojcem?
-Adolf Hitler
-Czy ty w ogóle masz mózg?!?!
-Naukowcy tego nie stwierdzili.

Wraca facet do domu i od progu krzyczy:
- Jessss wygralem w lotto, jest! udalo sie! SZEŚĆ, SZOSTKAAA! wydziera sie zadowolony z siebie.
Patrzy, a tu zona siedzi smutna i placze.
-Co sie stalo - pyta.
Na to żona: - Mama mi dzis umarla.
Facet wrzeszczy: - Yessssssssssss! Kur**, KUMULACJA

Uczeń stoi przed tablicą, rozwiązuje zadanie, ale męczy się niemiłosiernie. Za bardzo mu to nie idzie, więc co chwilę pluje w ręce i wciera ślinę we włosy. Nauczycielka patrzy ze zdziwieniem i pyta się go:
-Zygmuś! Dlaczego wcierasz ślinę we włosy?
-Bo wczoraj słyszałem, jak mamusia mówi tatusiowi: Pośliń główkę, a zobaczysz, że od razu pójdzie ci lepiej...

To kilka na poczatek;)